You Will Be Rejected!

I'm on my second book. I have a 160,000 word first book waiting for a very thorough edit. I have some short stories I'd like to shop around and one that needs to get the last 3,000 or so words plopped on it to make worth something. I've been writing poetry; it's a lot of emotional, diction play. I'm doing my damnedest to blog.

I'm writing. Sort of.

But I've also been thinking lately about taking that plunge into publishing. Gasp! Eek! Yeah. I do those two things all the time. Because from what I understand, the odds of me getting my work published are close to the odds of me spontaneously looking down between my legs and discovering I've become a man.

Okay, maybe the odds aren't that much against my favor, but they ain't looking too good neither.

I've been reading books on how to get published. Man, there are a lot books on how to get published. I think my odds of getting published would skyrocket if I would just write a book about how to get books published. Except then people would be all, "So what have you published." And I'd be all, "I've published this book on how to publish books."

Besides, I'm not really into nonfiction writing. My fantasy worlds are vastly more interesting than my own relative reality.

The book I'm currently reading is titled, 77 Reasons Why Your Book Was Rejected. I'm sort of mad at the book, because honestly I haven't even submitted a book for rejection yet, but apparently its already happened. It's been rejected. I guess this book is saving me having to go to all the trouble of actually trying to get published. Okay, no, this book is helping me be lazier. Thanks book.

I actually dig the book. I really do. Except for the little fact that according to the author, Mike Nappa (a dude that has written more than this one book on how to publish books), if an editor runs out of detangler for their unmanageable hair the day your book proposal comes through their inbox you're pretty much screwed. Or if you bore them with your title. Or if the VP of Marketing thinks that your unsellable because you don't have 3000 friends on Facebook and an in with Oprah.

Sad thing is, Mike Nappa, you're probably right.

So I've got to get a plan, dear readers. I've got to have a bomb story, perfect grammar and spelling, proper etiquette, a million social media friends, be best friends with Paris Hilton (oh God...), have a plot that fits into the current trends but doesn't fit the current trends TOO much, develop a "sales" history, do the editors job before they even lay hands on my manuscript, and become perfect.

And THEN my book will only be rejected if one of the gatekeepers stepped in dog crap that morning or just doesn't like my name. Erica Crockett? What kind of name is that, they'll think. And then the rubber stamp with the red ink will come down on the paper. REJECTED! (I bet that stamp exists and someone out there uses it on newbie writers...)

Or I'll just write what I like, tell the stories that matter to me, do what I do, so to speak, and then see what's shaking with those powers that be once I'm ready to roll. And maybe, just maybe, someone will say, "hey, this ain't too bad" (yes, this editor will use the word ain't) and I'll see my stuff somewhere besides my laptop screen.

It could happen. I'm willing to bet it might even happen before I spontaneously change genders. Oh, damn. I'm feeling lucky.